The price of revenge

While mediating/counselling separation and dissolution of marriage for the Family Court in Auckland, I often saw that love was speedily replaced with extreme dislike, especially when one person chose to thoughtlessly end the relationship with hurtful behaviours or betrayal.
 When children are involved, they pay the price of revenge. As difficult as it is, both parties may have to concede that whatever or whoever caused such pain and anger, may never be resolved. The children’s welfare is paramount, that’s why respect has to be re-established when communicating, no matter what has transpired between the two of you. If your child sees you fighting or hears you put-down, condemn and criticise your ex, you are in essence rejecting your child. With help, you can move on. They can’t. They forever carry the genes of your former partner.

In stressful times children need loving reassurance, safety, stability and routine. They need to know it’s safe for them to share their concerns with you. They won’t breathe a word if they know you will use what they say as your ammunition, or if they think it might jeopardise their relationship with their other parent.

Unless there are severe circumstances like danger to life and safety, it has been acknowledged that both parents need to play a joint role in the life of their child. Together you will be expected to make amicable agreements on many major decisions such as religion, culture, medical treatments, sport and education.

Helpful tips:
Never use children as bargaining chips or deny or restrict access simply to force demands or punish your ex.
When communicating, stick to facts not feelings, stay on topic and aim to be rational not emotional.
Organize and arrange for smooth handovers with minimal contact.
Be sure to smile and wave and stay quiet so the child sees you are comfortable with what’s happening.
Handle special occasions fairly and be generous where you can.
Keep privately resolving your hurt and anger and focus on a happy future.

Leanne French