Recently I decided to go on an OE, and what an experience. From Ruakokopatuna to Sydney – in this part of the southern hemisphere there is probably no greater contrast.
Whilst I usually casually amble across the road trying to avoid the ute on the horizon whilst scanning the pages of the Martinborough Star, I suddenly found myself feeling like a skittle at the end of a 10-pin bowling alley, trying to dodge buses, taxis and roaring Lamborghinis. The volume of traffic made it look as if New Delhi was in lockdown.
Back in Martinborough, whilst out for my morning 5km run I was startled at seeing nothing more than the school bus and I saw no one. It was peace and quiet, it’s the serenity I like. Sydney felt as if I was on Wembley Way going to see the FA Cup Final between Manchester City and Wigan Athletic (Wigan won). There were so many people and everywhere was so noisy. I couldn’t hear the roar of an overflying A380 preparing to land, but then I didn’t have my hearing aids in.
In Balmain where we stayed there are more cafes per square metre than wine bottles in Martinborough and more dogs per capita than wildebeest in the Serengeti.
The solution was to walk the coastal path between Bondi and Coogee, hugging the spectacular cliffs. We had to get onto the boardwalk at speed. Flesh is de rigueur at Bondi. It’s shocking for an old man. The motto of Bondi is clearly “expose it if you’ve got it”.
I hatched a master plan. I can make a quick million with minimal effort. All I need is a ball of string from Mitre 10 and some small handkerchiefs cut diagonally from the Clothing Swap. The bits of minimal cloth are carefully tied with pieces of string. It’s a winner. It appears that Sydney women at Bondi love being cheese-wired between their buttocks with some dental floss. To make the million I needed more research and discovered an inverse relationship between the amount of material used and the cost of the item. The question: “how necessary is imagination?” Because nothing was left to it.
Ironically, observational analysis proved that the covering of flesh at Bondi has reversed. No more Speedos. The fellas now cover up and wear half-length board shorts. No more budgie smugglers. How very appropriate.
That was enough distraction from the real world. Time to move on. As we walked along the cliff edge, spectacular sea views were enhanced by splashing and spouting whales, and then onto the next beach of flesh, barbeques, keepy-uppy football and misplaced dental floss. Where’s my handkerchief?
WANTED – business partner to make a quick million. Initial outlay $3.50 for Mitre 10 string, but if you’re a farmer that cost can be allayed by using bailer twine. Time commitment: 10 minutes a month to visit either the Social Crust or Clothes Swap for hankies.
