BY JOHN ANSELL
I’ve come back as a doorstop;
It’s not much of a life
Being jammed between the floor and door
By Norman’s vicious wife.
She wants a separation
And her way to keep him out
Is to boot me up the backside
Whenever Norm’s about.
Oh God, he’s in the driveway now;
She’s kicking me again!
Ow! Talk about injustice!
It goes right against my grain!
All day I’m choked with carpet dust
Convulsing just to breathe;
No limbs, no voice, no bloody choice
Except to quietly seethe.
For breakfast there was carpet dust,
And carpet dust for lunch;
I don’t know what’s for dinner. ?But let’s say I’ve got a hunch.
Unless it’s wet, and then I’ll get
A nice face-full of mud,
And if the wife should get her way
A swig of Norman’s blood.
My exercise consists of
Being booted round the floor
And a solitary press-up
Hard against a hardwood door.
Society’s evolved, they say;
A smack’s no longer cool,
Yet the backside of a doorstop
May be whacked by foot or tool.
There’s a flagrant double standard
When your wedge-udicial laws
Say it’s fine to kick in doorstops
Yet a crime to kick in doors!
You’ve animal protection laws
And rights for trees and hedges,
So why no rules for minerals
Like us metallic wedges?
From normal decent treatment ?On what grounds must we be barred,
Just because we’re on the short side
And triangular, and hard?
If you’re wondering why us cuneiforms*
Are making all this fuss
Just put yourself in our shoes
And stop using yours on us!
Please hear our cry and work to end
This doorstopian vision
So we may live together
In collusion, not collision.
* Look it up!
You’ll probably have seen John’s funny poems decorating the windows of Kitchener’s and the Martinborough Library. If you fancy giving your customers or visitors a giggle with an illustrated window poem, email john@johnansell.co.nz. And why not buy a friend or relative a customised poem for Christmas?
