How often have you said yes to invitations, events or to fulfilling a task or favour when you really didn’t want to do, and almost instantly regretted it?
Usually we say yes to avoid confrontation and to keep the peace. This may work in the short term, but in the long term if you end up feeling ripped off, resentful or unacknowledged, then confrontation and conflict will show up. If you feel railroaded, undervalued, fearful that people are going to rudely express their disappointment towards you, or if there’s a generosity imbalance, then it’s definitely time to say no.
I’m not a fan of pretending to be nice or overly adapting, smoothing things over, going quiet, avoiding, ignoring, withdrawing or internalising feelings if it means saying no to yourself. Protect your spare time and honour your needs.
Being too nice supersedes your intuition. Look at where you learnt to say yes instead of no and explore the consequences. You are allowed to choose what you want to do, and not do, and others need to learn to respect your choice. Use a simple “Sorry I won’t be able to.” They don’t need an excuse. It doesn’t make you a selfish or bad person.
Here are two helpful things to consider:
Always create a buffer as your first response. “ I just need to check my diary first, so let me get back to you about this.” Or, “Interesting, leave it with me and I will consider my schedule and get back to you in a few days.” It’s acceptable to text or email if you find it difficult to do it in person.
Begin to choose safe opportunities to say no so you get some practise. It’s much easier to start with telemarketers, researchers, doorknockers and hawkers who request things from lots of people and are used to rejection.
Leanne French – www.madltd.co.nz
leanne@madltd.co.nz
